Posts tagged politication

Here it is: your fake Mitt Romney on Pinterest page.
(via)

Here it is: your fake Mitt Romney on Pinterest page.

(via)

Sarah Palin sat quietly in the green room, contemplating the swirl of coffee in her tiny cup. It wasn’t the disappearance of Splenda that fascinated her, but the way that subtle folds of liquid churned according to the hidden rules of particle physics long after she removed the stirrer. There’s so much we don’t understand, she thought to herself. It would take a computer the size of Wasilla Lake to accurately map the path of each and every water molecule as it reacts to the cooler temperature of the Coffee-Mate. In fact, she once proposed the construction of just such a computer to study the Aurora Borealis, but Todd convinced her that an ice hockey arena would more effectively increase the marginal rate of joy per Alaskan per dollar spent.
On stage, Andrew Breitbart called Sarah Palin his “fantasy.” She hadn’t been listening to his meaningless blather but this caught her attention and distracted her. She wasn’t angry, she wasn’t hurt. The word choice only increased her pity for the man. Hers was neither a lipstick feminism nor something cast in the traditional mold. Rather, it was a belief that sexual objectification hurt the objectifier more than the objectified, that prevailing cultural norms of the past thousand years impaired the ability of men to excel in modern society. A Christian feminism, perhaps. Forgive him, Lord, for he knoweth not the limiting effect of his own chauvinism. Sympathy was required. Compassion.
She let go of her reaction and returned her focus to the happenings in the Dixie cup. How different, really, was Brownian motion from Keynesian economics? Let’s pour a bunch of money into the economy, stir it around, and see what happens? Larry Summers knew he lacked the predictive ability to know if this would work. So did the President. To pretend otherwise was disingenuous. This would be a tenet of her speech to the Tea Party Convention: stop the reckless spending. They knoweth not what they do.
But, wait. A spark flashed somewhere deep in the dark ethereal waters of her consciousness. The entire pantheon of macroeconomic theory appeared before her in an instant, as if two angels debating at the speed of light rattled off the hypotheses and rebuttals and counterrebuttals of every economist and social philosopher since the Enlightenment. The years of surreptitious study, the countless, long Alaskan winter nights spent propped up in bed with tome after tome illuminated by a little clip-on book light, it all came together in one great apocryphal moment. And there, in the green room behind the main ballroom of the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, she concluded that the supply-siders had been right all along. All that’s needed are a few tweaks around the edges to curb the rampant greed of the wealthy and to make sure the money stays within American borders, and growth will surely come. Growth, tempered by humble restraint and the pride of patriotism. Prosperity will recover alongside the recovery of values.
A warm, peaceful lightness washed over her. She looked up from her coffee at Piper, playing innocently with a Zhu Zhu Pet. There was certainty now. Direction. Piper, could you hand mommy that pen? Thank you, sweetie. She looked down at the notes on her hand, crossed out “budget cuts” and replaced it with “tax cuts.” Applause floated into her space as Breitbart finished his introduction. She stood up, straightened her skirt, and walked out on stage.

Sarah Palin sat quietly in the green room, contemplating the swirl of coffee in her tiny cup. It wasn’t the disappearance of Splenda that fascinated her, but the way that subtle folds of liquid churned according to the hidden rules of particle physics long after she removed the stirrer. There’s so much we don’t understand, she thought to herself. It would take a computer the size of Wasilla Lake to accurately map the path of each and every water molecule as it reacts to the cooler temperature of the Coffee-Mate. In fact, she once proposed the construction of just such a computer to study the Aurora Borealis, but Todd convinced her that an ice hockey arena would more effectively increase the marginal rate of joy per Alaskan per dollar spent.

On stage, Andrew Breitbart called Sarah Palin his “fantasy.” She hadn’t been listening to his meaningless blather but this caught her attention and distracted her. She wasn’t angry, she wasn’t hurt. The word choice only increased her pity for the man. Hers was neither a lipstick feminism nor something cast in the traditional mold. Rather, it was a belief that sexual objectification hurt the objectifier more than the objectified, that prevailing cultural norms of the past thousand years impaired the ability of men to excel in modern society. A Christian feminism, perhaps. Forgive him, Lord, for he knoweth not the limiting effect of his own chauvinism. Sympathy was required. Compassion.

She let go of her reaction and returned her focus to the happenings in the Dixie cup. How different, really, was Brownian motion from Keynesian economics? Let’s pour a bunch of money into the economy, stir it around, and see what happens? Larry Summers knew he lacked the predictive ability to know if this would work. So did the President. To pretend otherwise was disingenuous. This would be a tenet of her speech to the Tea Party Convention: stop the reckless spending. They knoweth not what they do.

But, wait. A spark flashed somewhere deep in the dark ethereal waters of her consciousness. The entire pantheon of macroeconomic theory appeared before her in an instant, as if two angels debating at the speed of light rattled off the hypotheses and rebuttals and counterrebuttals of every economist and social philosopher since the Enlightenment. The years of surreptitious study, the countless, long Alaskan winter nights spent propped up in bed with tome after tome illuminated by a little clip-on book light, it all came together in one great apocryphal moment. And there, in the green room behind the main ballroom of the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, she concluded that the supply-siders had been right all along. All that’s needed are a few tweaks around the edges to curb the rampant greed of the wealthy and to make sure the money stays within American borders, and growth will surely come. Growth, tempered by humble restraint and the pride of patriotism. Prosperity will recover alongside the recovery of values.

A warm, peaceful lightness washed over her. She looked up from her coffee at Piper, playing innocently with a Zhu Zhu Pet. There was certainty now. Direction. Piper, could you hand mommy that pen? Thank you, sweetie. She looked down at the notes on her hand, crossed out “budget cuts” and replaced it with “tax cuts.” Applause floated into her space as Breitbart finished his introduction. She stood up, straightened her skirt, and walked out on stage.

Well, no.

This is a little disingenuous:

The founders of this nation warned about the dangers of corporate influence. The Constitution they wrote mentions many things and assigns them rights and protections — the people, militias, the press, religions. But it does not mention corporations.

From this NYT editorial on the campaign finance ruling.  The founders of this nation did no such thing.  They warned about the dangers of faction, by which they meant political parties. (That warning was forgotten, like, instantly.) The reason they didn’t warn about corporations, or include mention of them in the Constitution, is because corporations didn’t exist back then.  At least, not like we understand them today.  If you wanted to start a company in 1800 you needed a charter from the legislature, and even then you had to dissolve when the purpose of your charter was fulfilled.  Nowadays you just go over to legalzoom.com and click on a few things.

Historical fun fact!  One time, Aaron Burr started a company to run the water works of New York City, but he sneaked some language into the charter bill that gave the company a bit of a wider purpose than he said he needed, and with that he started the Bank of Manhattan!  People were pissed.  That was the main reason everyone thought Burr was an asshole, until that other thing happened.

Eric —
There’s a crucial Senate election in Massachusetts tomorrow. We need your help to win it.
Look, we know the Senate health care reform bill isn’t exactly what was advertised.  There’s no public option.  There’s no national insurance exchange, only state ones.  Sure, we made pre-existing conditions irrelevant, but that’s gonna cause premiums to double without the national exchange.  And, yes, insurance will be mandatory — we’ll punish you with a fine if you don’t buy it.  I understand that these things are sort of the opposite of what the President said during the campaign.  But you know what?  He didn’t have any idea what he was talking about back then.  He does now because he’s President and he’s got all these advisors, and they say this is the best we’re gonna get.  Even with our majority in the House and our supermajority in the Senate.
Anyway, we have a problem.  This whole thing is about to become undone because the woman running to replace Ted Kennedy didn’t bother to start campaigning until about a week ago.  It also turns out that maybe she’s not the best candidate, since Democrats in Massachusetts don’t seem to like her very much and she said on the radio that Curt Schilling was a Yankee fan.  Ho boy.  Now there’s a Republican poised to steal that seat and he’s rolling in GOP cash because he promised to vote against our reform package.  This guy is a typical right wing crazy except when he isn’t.  Like, he hates taxes but loves the environment.  He’s also pro-choice, that shifty bastard.  You may say this makes him a moderate, but I say he’s an extreme moderate.  Extreme like those other Tea Party gun nuts.  Also, he posed naked in a magazine once, but you couldn’t see his thing.
We can’t do this without you.  Please send us money so we can salvage the election of an unenthusiastic party hack to prevent the failure of a deeply flawed reform bill that looks nothing like we said it would.
Thanks,
Mitch
Mitch Stewart Director Organizing for America

Eric —

There’s a crucial Senate election in Massachusetts tomorrow. We need your help to win it.

Look, we know the Senate health care reform bill isn’t exactly what was advertised.  There’s no public option.  There’s no national insurance exchange, only state ones.  Sure, we made pre-existing conditions irrelevant, but that’s gonna cause premiums to double without the national exchange.  And, yes, insurance will be mandatory — we’ll punish you with a fine if you don’t buy it.  I understand that these things are sort of the opposite of what the President said during the campaign.  But you know what?  He didn’t have any idea what he was talking about back then.  He does now because he’s President and he’s got all these advisors, and they say this is the best we’re gonna get.  Even with our majority in the House and our supermajority in the Senate.

Anyway, we have a problem.  This whole thing is about to become undone because the woman running to replace Ted Kennedy didn’t bother to start campaigning until about a week ago.  It also turns out that maybe she’s not the best candidate, since Democrats in Massachusetts don’t seem to like her very much and she said on the radio that Curt Schilling was a Yankee fan.  Ho boy.  Now there’s a Republican poised to steal that seat and he’s rolling in GOP cash because he promised to vote against our reform package.  This guy is a typical right wing crazy except when he isn’t.  Like, he hates taxes but loves the environment.  He’s also pro-choice, that shifty bastard.  You may say this makes him a moderate, but I say he’s an extreme moderate.  Extreme like those other Tea Party gun nuts.  Also, he posed naked in a magazine once, but you couldn’t see his thing.

We can’t do this without you.  Please send us money so we can salvage the election of an unenthusiastic party hack to prevent the failure of a deeply flawed reform bill that looks nothing like we said it would.

Thanks,

Mitch

Mitch Stewart
Director
Organizing for America

Reaction’s internal dialogue, liveblogged:
"Download this, cut it to make her say funny things, autotune it, upload to Internet!"
"Sigh, it’s not even worth it anymore."
"Does this mean Sarah Palin has become satire-proof?"
"Well, at least satire-retardant."
"OK, there’s a little bit left."

Reaction’s internal dialogue, liveblogged:

"Download this, cut it to make her say funny things, autotune it, upload to Internet!"

"Sigh, it’s not even worth it anymore."

"Does this mean Sarah Palin has become satire-proof?"

"Well, at least satire-retardant."

"OK, there’s a little bit left."

Mrs. Clinton wanted to make sure she was a formidable player in the process. “She was determined that her briefing books would be just as thick and just as meticulous as those of the Pentagon,” said one senior adviser. After a meeting where the Pentagon made a presentation with impressive color-coded maps, Mrs. Clinton returned to the State Department and told her aides, “We need maps.”“

New York Times

After another meeting in which a senior Pentagon official pointed out targets with a green laser pointer, Mrs. Clinton demanded of her aides, “Why don’t I have one of those? You, Swacker, get me one. With greater lumens than the General’s.”  She arrived at the next meeting with a stoic confidence in her eye, but aides watched her demeanor shift toward a simmering envy as a naval attache controlled his power point deck with the iPhone’s “Remote” application.

He won the Stanley Cup, too?

He won the Stanley Cup, too?

Ladies and gentlemen, your President is a robot.  Or a wax sculpture.  Maybe a cardboard cutout.  All I know is no human being has a photo smile this amazingly consistent.

On Wednesday, the Obamas hosted a reception at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, during which they stood for 130 photographs with visiting foreign dignitaries in town for the UN meeting.  The President has exactly the same smile in every single shot.  See for yourself — the pictures are up on the State Department’s flickr.  And, of course, compressed above into 20 seconds for your viewing pleasure.

"Now look, Mr. Chaudhary gave us very specific instructions for the Weekly Address.  The thumbnail is the first thing the audience sees, right?  It’s static, it’s what they click on, so it provides another opportunity to enforce our message.  The President is all about transparency, okay, so we’re gonna give the audience a little behind-the-scenes action.  They love that shit on DVDs, makes ‘em feel part of Hollywood.  Anyway.  So I want you to get some of the equipment in there.  Get Obama on the monitor.  Looks fancy.  Says, we know that you know that this is a production.  We respect your intelligence.  Now look at our fancy monitors.  And maybe get the President in the background, too.  Shows we got nothin’ to hide.  Throw in a Klieg light, maybe with some tissue paper over it.  Why tissue paper?  Because that’s really what the pros use!  Isn’t that something?  A microphone’s good too — but the Klieg’s more exciting.  Oh, yeah — show the President’s water glass.  He’s human.  Very very human.  He gets thirsty, just like us!  See, by giving people this little glimpse, we enforce the idea that everyone has access to the President.  He’s open with us.  He tells us what’s what.  What’s that?  The crew?  No, don’t photograph the crew, least of all the grips.  They’re a rough bunch.  Weathered and grizzly.  They smoke Reds.  Get some other guys.  Prettier ones.  Give ‘em papers to hold or something.  And do NOT, under any circumstances, show the President getting his make-up applied.  We’re supposed to emote authenticity, sure — but let’s not get crazy."

"Now look, Mr. Chaudhary gave us very specific instructions for the Weekly Address.  The thumbnail is the first thing the audience sees, right?  It’s static, it’s what they click on, so it provides another opportunity to enforce our message.  The President is all about transparency, okay, so we’re gonna give the audience a little behind-the-scenes action.  They love that shit on DVDs, makes ‘em feel part of Hollywood.  Anyway.  So I want you to get some of the equipment in there.  Get Obama on the monitor.  Looks fancy.  Says, we know that you know that this is a production.  We respect your intelligence.  Now look at our fancy monitors.  And maybe get the President in the background, too.  Shows we got nothin’ to hide.  Throw in a Klieg light, maybe with some tissue paper over it.  Why tissue paper?  Because that’s really what the pros use!  Isn’t that something?  A microphone’s good too — but the Klieg’s more exciting.  Oh, yeah — show the President’s water glass.  He’s human.  Very very human.  He gets thirsty, just like us!  See, by giving people this little glimpse, we enforce the idea that everyone has access to the President.  He’s open with us.  He tells us what’s what.  What’s that?  The crew?  No, don’t photograph the crew, least of all the grips.  They’re a rough bunch.  Weathered and grizzly.  They smoke Reds.  Get some other guys.  Prettier ones.  Give ‘em papers to hold or something.  And do NOT, under any circumstances, show the President getting his make-up applied.  We’re supposed to emote authenticity, sure — but let’s not get crazy."

Trick question.

Trick question.

Six pieces of bipartisan legislation I’d like to see this year

The Kind Blunt Price Act for Marijuana Regulation
Proposed by Ron Kind (D-WI), Roy Blunt (R-MI), and Tom Price (R-GA)

The Green Honda Deal Act for Hybrid Tax Credits
Proposed by Gene Green (D-TX), Mike Honda (D-CA), and Nathan Deal (R-GA)

The Dicks Johnson Weiner Act for Cockpit Security
Proposed by Norman Dicks (D-WA), Sam Johnson (R-TX), and Anthony Weiner (D-NY)

The Berry Fudge Goodlatte Act for Caffeine Research
Proposed by Marion Berry (D-AR), Marcia Fudge (D-OH), and Bob Goodlatte (R-VA)

The Wolf Slaughter Graves Act for Alaskan Wildlife Protection
Proposed by Frank Wolf (R-VA), Louise Slaughter (D-NY), and Sam Graves (R-MO)

The Obey Bono Act for African Debt Forgiveness

Proposed by Dave Obey (D-OH) and Mary Bono (R-CA)

What will be the first basketball-related scandal of the Obama Presidency?

1) The newly constructed White House basketball court has rope nets instead of chain nets. Republicans declare this to be a sign of weakness.

2) During a half court game with some of the Washington Wizards, Obama calls a ticky-tack foul on Gilbert Arenas, who backs off his argument and gives up the ball.  Critics claim abuse of power.

3) In the first quarter of an inter-office charity tournament, Attorney General Eric Holder throws an elbow into Obama’s stomach, and is promptly shot by Secret Service.

4) Obama accepts a one-on-one challenge from John Boehner the week before midterm elections, and puts up an airball during the competition.  An empowered GOP takes back the Senate.

5) Teaching schoolchildren to play “Horse” at a press junket, Obama says the game is over after his tiny opponent misses for an “S.”  Comparisons to Dan Quayle flood the media.

6) Obama picks the Celtics to win the championship.  California secedes.